Save Yourself from the Boors

Civil ways to tackle rude behavior

These days you have to endure all manner of incivilities, from self-centered cell phone users who conduct public conversations at top volume, to barbarians whose everyday speech is loaded with vulgarity, to aggressive drivers gripped by road rage.

Psychologists say we're ruder because we've turned into the "Me Generation" - increasingly self centered and increasingly stressed, dishing out words or actions that insult, offend, slight, or ignore others without a care for the consequences.

Fighting rudeness can boost self-esteem, reduce stress, and bring more civility into daily life. The catch: In battling bad behavior, you must not respond to a jerk by being a jerk. Here's how to maintain your composure and self-respect.

~ Take a deep breath, and aim for the high road.
Try humor or cheerfulness, or just ask your question again calmly. Remind yourself hat a rude retort only fuels the rudeness cycle and will leave you feeling worse.

~ Call in the enforcers.
The couple in front of you is chatting through the whole movie. The family in the next table in the restaurant has allowed their 4-year-old to scream for 10 minutes. An aggressive driver nearly ran you off the road. Don't wreak revenge yourself. Instead, ask the usher, waiter, or police to step in.

~ Establish a personal link.
We're more likely to be rude to people who seem anonymous. Simply using a clerk's name from his/her ID tag can help defuse a frustrating situation. ~ Just let it go. Ask yourself, "Will it matter tomorrow that the guy cut into my lane?"

~ Respond with subtle kindness.
Quiet empathy is better than a sharp retort. For instance, remarking that you had "one of those days" yourself yesterday could help soften abrupt behavior. Then get on with the business at hand. (Dwelling on sympathy can seem fake or patronizing.)

~ Address rude behavior calmly.
Use "I" statements (rather than blaming), and ask for a small, specific change. For instance, kindly explain to the parents of a child who is making a racket that you wouldn't normally say anything, but you have the beginnings of a headache, and ask if their son could be more quiet.

~ Remember, it's the jerk's problem.
Overt, in-your-face rudeness deserves no response. Chalk it up to "Wow, he really has a problem." Walk away.